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December 5, 2013 By Kristina

Our Anniversaries & Lessons Learned.

Today is our 4th Wedding Anniversary.
It feels like we just got married last month but so long ago all at the same time. We will be celebrating eight years of being together in March and it’s been such a great eight years, and the last 4 years of marriage has taught us so many lessons.

Ryan and I have a really good marriage.  It hasn’t always been that way but we put a lot into our relationship because it means a lot to us.  We’ve grown a lot since we first got married, and we have had many friends tell us “I want to have a marriage like you two do” or the similar. Which means a lot to both of us.

That said, today I am sharing a few things we have learned, and/or believe in, that help us love one another better and has made our marriage stronger.
*Note – this isn’t a how to run your marriage posts, or do these things and have a great marriage post. This is just a post about what works for us and what we do. 

*************

Before we got married one of the things we learned was to remind each other “I’m Not Your Enemy.”  It’s easy to take things out on our spouse when they have nothing to do with the bad mood. We have had our fair share of days where Ryan comes home from work having had a very bad day and he flies off the handle about something I did and I have no idea why, that’s when I say “I’m not sure what happened today, but I’m not your enemy.” On the same token, there have been times where something has happened that I’m upset about and I get snippy with him about something and he says “Whoa. I’m not your enemy. I can tell you are upset about something but I don’t think it really has anything to do with me.”  Our spouses are our “safe place” so to speak, so they become easy targets.  It’s really important to remind your spouse that you are there for them, no matter what’s really going on – but you aren’t their enemy. 

This can be taken in two ways and both ways are important. In life and in arguments. Let me explain.
I have seen so many relationships where one or the other spouse always get their way about whatever it may be – food, activities, arguments, whatever it is – because if they don’t get “their way” the other spouse hears all about it.  Remember a relationship and a marriage is about both people. Remember to how your spouse feels is very important too.  Ryan and I are really good about asking the other’s opinion and seeing if they have input. Sometimes we compromise, sometimes one of us genuinely is all for going with the flow and not having an opinion.

When in an argument, it’s so easy to say “YOU did this. YOU said that. YOU made me feel. Etc. Etc.” Automatically that makes the other person feel like you are attacking them, although that might seem okay in the moment the truth is, that is going to make them feel more defensive and make it harder to resolve the issue. Instead use, “When _____ happens, I feel like…” or “The other day when _____ happened, it really kind of frustrated me because ______”.  Put it on your emotions and explain it. Ryan can’t read my mind and I can’t read his but pointing the fingers doesn’t help anyone.

We constantly thank each other for simple, easy, every day things. “Thank you for taking the trash out.”  “Thank you for doing the laundry.” “Thank you for making dinner.”  “Thank you for cleaning up from dinner.”  All of the tasks are things that we naturally do but saying thank you naturally happens too. It helps the other person know we aren’t taking them for granted and we aren’t expecting things from them – we appreciate one another. I’ll touch more on this in just a minute.

I see this a lot on social media outlets. One spouse getting angry and going on a rant about how mad they are at their spouse telling the whole wide world all about it. This has never been a problem in our marriage but if one of us did it, it would be. Yes, sometimes our spouses can make us upset – but I’m a firm believer in being mindful about what you say.  When you think about posting something negative about your spouse think about it like you are in their shoes. If you were following their twitter and saw horrible words about you being spewed wouldn’t that shatter your heart?  It would mine, so I never do it.
This goes for conversations in our personal life, too. There have been moments in our marriage that others have witnessed less than fabulous moments between us – that’s part of it – and it’s easy to say “oh well Ryan’s such a jerk it’s like this all the time” out of pure anger in the moment but the truth is, I would only be saying those things out of pure in-the-moment emotion. So, I don’t say those things. If someone brings something they feel is a negative thing to the front line about my spouse I combat them with things like – “we all have our moments but the truth is, he loves me well.”  It’s important to remember you know your spouse better than anyone and the things you say to others reflects on how people see your spouse. Even though in the moment it could be the easiest thing in that moment – always find positive things.
Ryan is my best friend in the entire world. He knows absolutely everything about me, we keep zero secrets, and I’ve been through more with him than anyone else.  I know he feels the same. There is absolutely nothing that I couldn’t come to him about and the feeling is mutual. We talk about our days, we talk about our fears, we talk about everything in between. We’ve had to hit some of the hardest hurdles in our marriage head on and they were hardest obstacles we’d ever imagined – but we did the work and it paid off.
We’re lucky that we see eye to eye on a lot of things and we are different enough that we balance each other out in the best kind of way. Do we always agree? No way. Do we say things we don’t mean sometimes? Of course. We are humans and with that we are flawed. These three things:
Love, Friendship & Appreciation. 
We love each other well, and we love each other fiercely. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for the other one. With Love also comes grace, forgiveness and acceptance for the other one in all that we are.  Like I mentioned before Ryan is my best friend, genuinely. I’m not meaning it the cliche fashion it’s a legitimate fact. There is no one else in this world that I know will always be there for me, standing beside me, fighting for me and alongside me. Which leads me to my next word – Appreciation. I love the word appreciation I feel like it amplifies the feelings. I feel like it’s very important to let Ryan know how much I appreciate him for all of the things he does – how well he loves me and our daughter, his hard work allowing me to stay home with our daughter, his friendship, his supportiveness and all the little things. I make an effort to say the words “I Appreciate You.” Does he know I love him and appreciate him? Sure but to actually say it really puts in on the front line so I make sure he knows how much I really do and that every thing he does doesn’t go unnoticed. Within all of these three things comes communication and respect as well but I could write a whole other post on just that. 🙂
************

Ryan –
Happy Anniversary Love!
Here’s to many more anniversaries, lessons, memories and cherished moments – a lifetime’s worth.
I love you.
XO – Kristina

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Filed Under: marriage Tagged With: anniversary, lessons, life, sliderfeature

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Comments

  1. AvatarJennifer Bauer says

    December 5, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing this! My husband and I are almost to our 5 year, and it’s always nice to have a refresher even when times don’t call for it. It’s good to remember 🙂

    • Kristina_JoyfullySmittenKristina_JoyfullySmitten says

      December 12, 2013 at 7:19 am

      Absolutely! Thank you for coming by and I’m so glad you enjoyed the little reminders!

  2. AvatarDomestic Bella says

    December 11, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Sadly, the toughest one for me to learn was “don’t bash your spouse.” I did it so much those first few years! Sure, I only complained to my closest friends, but it was still disrespectful. At some point I started to see the harm it did to our relationship, too. We have been so much closer now that I bring my frustrations to him instead of bringing other people into our marriage through the venting and bashing.

    • Kristina_JoyfullySmittenKristina_JoyfullySmitten says

      December 12, 2013 at 7:22 am

      Marriage is such an adjustment in so many ways. There have been moments in our marriage (and/or relationship) that it’s been easy to say things to those closest to me out of frustration but it really made me feel guilty for saying things to others.

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Hi, I'm Kristina and I’m so glad that you are here.
I'm a crunchy, homeschooling mama of 3 that is on a mission to live an intentional life. I don’t want to just survive - I want to thrive. Join me as I share in my journey of intentional living, my passions, my family, my heart, natural living, and the things I’m loving. Welcome. Learn more >



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