I’m currently walking a line of abundant gratitude for so many things and a undesirable drab mentality. If you know me well you know that I walk a line of optimism and gratitude far more than anything else, or at least that something I tell myself regularly to keep focused on the good stuff rather than the unknown or mundane. It’s been a while since I’ve just came here just to write…I write things here a lot but I’m talking about the deep-in-the-pit-of-my-guts kind of write and I suppose that’s just what I need today. I had other posts I could have posted this week but nothing felt like they were what I wanted to post this week.
So here I am on a Friday with my hands on the keyboard tapping away; my cup of coffee to my left and my phone on DND to my right. I steer away from these kinds of posts because frankly, vulnerability isn’t something I’m good at and frankly I’m not even good at vulnerability even to those closest to me. It might even be safe to say that I’m not even good at being vulnerable in front of God which seems silly since he knows every single bit of my heart and soul. I suppose that’s a whole other post though.
Today I just need to get all of the stuff right now out so I can get my act together again. It’s really just a bunch of word vomit for myself but who knows, maybe you’re in the thick of this kind of stuff, too.
I’m in this weird season of life where I’m blown away by how fast time is going, wanting time to stop in the moment but in the other aspect I’m wanting time to speed up to get past some things I’m ready to be over. We are coming up on a season in our life where Ryan will be traveling a lot (I’m leaving additional details out because – creepers). We’ve been through this before and we survived just fine. We found a new routine, he found his and all missed each other like crazy. This week it’s hit me in a holy-crap-its-right-around-the-corner-and-this-freaking-sucks kind of way. Remember how I said I’m walking a line of abundant gratitude for so many things and a undesirable drab mentality? This is a great example.
I have two options – be in the moment right now focusing on my blessing that I have in front of me or I can wish the upcoming season to be over already. I’m extremely grateful for Ryan’s job at a company that loves & takes care of it’s people and the fact that it’s a life long career. I’m also grateful that this is the last season of abundant traveling for him and being away from our family but I would be lying to you if I said I’m glad he’s going. I selfishly want him to stay.
Coupled with the fact we are going to miss him like crazy, I’m finding the mother bear in me bitter because this season of our life is filled with milestones for both of our kiddos but especially B. He turns one in June and he’s on the edge of walking and he’s been taking more and more steps every day. The wife in me aches at the thought that Ryan might miss the official first steps. He was there for the very first step and the second but no part of me wants him to miss when B starts officially walking. I’m finding myself hoping that B officially starts walking by the time this next season for us starts but the other part of me can’t believe he’s ready to walk and I just want him to slow down and be my crawling little baby for just a little bit longer. The emotions of motherhood can be wicked – so good but bittersweet and harsh too.
If I’m being honest about the junk-of-my-own-heart kind of stuff, I’m just having time struggling to just be present in the very moments I should be relishing in. I’ve let the wrong things make me feel worthy or not worthy like opportunities that worked out or didn’t. I’ve let what other people seem to think make me feel more or less defined. All of it is a load of bologna though because none of that is the good stuff or the stuff that even comes close to mattering and I know that to my core. My head though sometimes gets a little crazy and I suppose I’m not the one that has a mind that likes to sass the heart. Priorities shift around to things that really aren’t aligned like they should be and I know it in that moment. I know when I unlock my phone to check notification when I’m playing my with kids that my mind isn’t where it should be.
I know that right now is just a season of growth where I can either misalign my stresses leaving me unsettled or let them stretch me. There’s just been a lot of junk lately.
There’s been the saying no to a family member about scheduled plans because I had to put the interest of my own family first even though everyone involved was disappointed.
There’s been days where people didn’t show up when I hoped they would in moments I felt were special to me. Calls didn’t come, empty un-engaged responses came through from people I care a lot about and undoubtedly want to be more involved than they are or at least seem to be.
There’s been moments where I want to control things and outcomes in my grandmother’s battle for cancer that I just cannot control.
There’s been responses of rejection of things that I hoped would have an alternate ending and have left me wondering my own worth or if I should just keep doing what I’m doing.
But here’s the thing.
Even in the muck of those moments the abundant reality is those things don’t define me – those things were things I couldn’t control. Disappointment happens to all of us but for every disappointment and frustrating moment there are dozens of other things that make up for them.
Letting things out of our control define our circumstances helps no one but hurts more than just ourselves.
In the moments of disappointment things felt crappy and they felt stressful but every time I take a step back and look back, they are a little blip in great realm of good stuff.
I’m blessed with people who choose me every time and love me with certainty, those that show up even when I don’t expect them to. I have opportunities on my plate that I never expected and were blown away by that were bigger and better than I ever could have hoped.
What we can do though is take hold of the things we can control & take responsibility. It’s important we know the difference though. Here’s a great example – its easy to say that your three year old has been out of control and sometimes it’s the truth and sometimes their out of control because you’re distracted. Knowing which is the case & facing it head on is so vital – I know it is for me.
We can choose to live in the now with a grateful heart because we don’t get today back just like yesterday is a place we can’t go back to. The now is now. We must take the good with the bad and sort through it.
We have to take the moments that matter and maximize them.
We have to take the yucky and mundane and take them for what they are. Let them stretch us and teach us and leave them in that moment.
We can either milk the bad moments letting them ruin everything or we can take them for what they are and let bigger greater things overshadow them.
We can let nonsense try and define our worth or we can decide that we are more, we are already worthy with or without the other stuff.
So I’m leaving the bleh stuff I’ve been feeling this week right here and this is where it’ll stay because life is too good to dwell on that stuff any longer. I’m choosing to let the stuff I don’t necessarily like or that feel inconvenient that we are going through to just stretch me but not define me or my circumstances.
I’m choosing the now and the people surrounding me with a grateful heart because I’m too blessed for anything else.