Bummed we had to wait 2 more hours to meet our sweet girl we sat and waited. We talked about life and that although we were about to have a baby it was still so surreal. It was real, in a matter of hours she would be in our arms, the moment we have been waiting for, for so long. We sent out texts that things were pushed back. About 8:00am my Dr came in less than happy that she wasn’t told that it was bumped & that we would be doing it before 10:30. More waiting.
10:05 they gave Ryan his scrub suit and gave me a hair cap and yellow no slip slippers and I’m getting prepped and moved across the hall with my IV into the operating room where it was stark white, it wasn’t like in Grey’s Anatomy, it was as white as can be, and bright. Very bright.
They had me sit on the edge of the surgical table with my legs over the side and my back hunched forward. It was time for my spinal. A quick rub of topical anesthetic and soon a small prick and I felt the needle move into my spine. It felt more weird than it was painful. They had me lay back once it was done. I requested they didn’t strap my arms down because the thought of it made me anxious, they agreed not to. Next it was Feet together, knees out, and blue drapping covering my lower half. Then they left Ryan come in. He held my hand and asked me how I was doing. I started crying because I was so anxious and excited all at the same time. We were moments away fro meeting out daughter. Nothing hurt, it just felt like I was wearing a tight spandex suit that they kept tugging on. I felt pressure but not pain. The anesthesia made me nauseous so the nurse kept giving me anti-nausea medication through my IV. Ryan would watch the doctors around the curtain and his eyes would shift back to me. At 10:16a they told him to stand up and he watched them pull A out of my stomach. I heard her tiny cry and my heart exploded. I watched him as he stared at her and his eyes welled up with happy tears, and he shifted his eyes back to me and said “She’s So Beautiful!” Seeing him so much in love with our daughter from first sight made me fall even more in love with him.
They took A to the corner where the in fact table be was, where they cleaned her up a little and Ryan did the “honorary” umbilical cord cut. They announced she weighed 6 lbs 10 ounces and the next thing I heard was “Can I hold her?!” coming from Ryan towards the nurses and they responded “Of Course you can Daddy!”
Soon Ryan brought A over to me all wrapped up in her blanket. We both cried happy tears and the anesthesiologist tech asked if we would like her to take a photo of her, which of course we did. There it was, our first family photo.
It was then time for Ryan and A to be taken to the NICU. We had a very strong decision made that A wouldn’t leave our side, if she left where we were one of us would be with her at all times and the hospital supported that decision completely. They continued to suture and staple me back up and I was moved to recovery.
I felt so nauseaus in recovery from the anestetic and they kept giving me medication to lessen it. I was wheeled into a tiny room for recovery. Within 10 minutes I was trying to impress the nurses my wiggling my toes so I could leave recovery and go see A. They insisted I had to stay in there for an hour and a half. So I waited and waited. I insisted I didn’t want any meds, I didn’t want to feel groggy. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my day groggy I wanted to remember all of it, all of my first moments with A. Before long Ryan, the lactation specialist and A came through the door. We let them know I wanted to nurse her as soon as I could, and she wasn’t to have anything else before hand and they respected our wishes. As soon as she was clean and checked over she came in to nurse. It was time for me to breastfeed for the first time and A latched right away. They warned me feeding her could make me nauseous and they were right. I sat with A nursing in one arm on the left and on the right Ryan held a kidney shaped bowl as I got sick over and over again.
Once she was done feeding they left again. I waited in recovery antsy to get out – replaying the last couple of hours in my head over and over again. I remembered they never told me how long she was it was like jumping through hoops to find out but finally a nurse got me the answer: 19 inches. My perfect sweet girl was 6 lbs 10 oz and 19 inches of an answered prayer.
Finally it was time to wheel me into my room and switch me into a new bed. They wheeled me passed the waiting room where my family was waiting. They followed into the mother and baby ward and went down to the waiting room as I got settled. My mom saw Ryan through the NICU window and he let her come in and see her. She wasn’t able to hold her but she could go in the room and see her. I was relieved they were giving me time, all I wanted was a few minutes to pull myself together and see A.
The next voices I heard come into the room wasn’t Ryan and a cooing baby A. It was my in-laws. This catapulted me into an angry, frustrated mess. Not a way I wanted things to be, it wasn’t how I planned it. They were joyful and wondered where A and Ryan were. I was short and snippy. It wouldn’t have mattered who would have walked through the doors – my in-laws or my own family – I wanted time with MY Family of THREE before seeing anyone else. That wasn’t going to happen though. I was angry and I was bitter. They asked where my family was and I said “down the hall in the waiting room suppose you might as well go get them too.” My MIL saw Ryan and my mom and Ryan had my mom step out so his mom could come see A. Back in the room I was an emotional mess, the experience my body went through was quite a bit then you add in nausea and a yearning for a few moments with my baby before the rest of the world was swooping all over her.
FINALLY, Ryan walked into the room wheeling A in her cart, the two people I did want to see. I got to hold her for a few moments and I cried. I cried because I was so incredibly happy. I cried because I was so nauseous. I cried because I wasn’t going to get the alone time I yearned for, for at least a couple of hours. I cried because I was sick of 500 pictures were being taken of me crying. I cried a lot more than I wish I had. I cried a lot more than I want to admit that I did. It all would have been different if I could have just had the few moments I wanted before being bombarded on. I was tired, I was puking with 10 people in my room and I wanted some peace.
My dad saw the frustration in my eyes and once he held A he let me know that he was going to go and head back to KS, but that he would see me that next week for Thanksgiving. Then my mom held her, and my sister, then my in-laws, then my step-dad – or whatever order it was. We made sure everyone was able to hold her. Eventually the room lessened in number until it was just Ryan and I. I loved everyone got to meet her, it just didn’t happen to my own plan and when you are a hormonal mess and things don’t happen according to your plan you become an emotional mess I suppose. It was just us and we were both relieved. It was finally our time with A.
The day aside from the tears, and vomiting was a day of celebrating and everyone was there celebrating this sweet bundle of joy we so desperately prayed for. Even among the crying and the vomiting, I would do it time and time again because they are tiny little details when it comes down to this sweet, sweet girl of ours that has graced our lives in such a big way.