Before I had A I knew my heart would change in ways I never before imagined when I became a mama.
I had little idea how much it would change, in all the different areas it would change.
Before giving birth I thought nothing of sharing her name, I thought “what in the world am I protecting her from? why WOULDN’T I share her name?”
Right before having A I thought about how excited I was to update the world of her arrival as soon as possible.
Then she arrived and my world changed, my heart changed and my thought process changed.
To be totally raw, honest, & real with you – after I had A I didn’t want to share her with the world at all. A few close friends was enough for me.
I hesitated to post her photo on Instagram, even though my account is private.
I hesitated to let it go to twitter.
Then I got home, and thank goodness for the sweet blog friends and shop owners that took over my blog for 2 weeks.
Most all of the thoughts of my blog came back to considering getting rid of it. I considered getting rid of Instagram too.
A big part of me was completely ready to stop sharing our life with the world. Out of that two weeks, only one evening did I sit and write blog posts on my phone for drafts.
I was excited to write again.
To share again.
Then the excitement dwindled and it came time to post this post sharing about our last two weeks and I came to a crossroads. I was anxious about posting it, about sharing our life, and sharing A with the world.
Finally I had a long chat with my sweet blog friend, Cassie. I told her I was considering deleting my blog amd what was going on in head and she asked me why I started blogging. I told her that when I first started it 2007 it was a space for me to write, document our lives. Then in 2010 I learned about the community, so I not only blogged for me but for the friends I had started to make. But that although that’s nice, I’m at a crossroads now that I have A.
Cassie shared her reasoning for blogging with me, and told me that ultimately she respected my decision either way but that she would miss our blog because since she lives several states away and we don’t get to get together that she gets to take a peek into my life, and she enjoys that, but that ultimately she respected my decision either way.
I mulled it over in my mind and hit publish on my post, because I needed to see how I felt once I hit “publish.”
I realized something after searching my heart a little more, I needed my reason for blogging “now”. And I found that reason – I want this blog to share our life, and I want it to document it but why?
I want this place to be space that A can look at later and look back at our life, our story. Ryan and I’s story before A. Our story with A. And I want A to have be able to be able to come here one day and read her mama’s thoughts and what’s on my heart.
That’s my new “why.”