When I started school, something stirred inside of me. Something like never before. When I let it be, the stirring became encouraging, uplifting. But on the other hand, with the stirring came more and more confusion.
Confusion. (Confusion:(noun) 1.lack of clearness or distinctness: a confusion in his mind between right and wrong. A complete understanding of their life, what is to come and what’s right and wrong. )No one likes to be confused. When we are confused we get anxious, feel stressed and overwhelmed. Confusion is never a welcomed feeling. I became confused about where I was meant to be, what I believed, what I felt. I felt very lost. I pondered all of the confusion for a good couple of weeks, this made me distracted in everything, pushing the important things and people to the side as I became overwhelmed. I was determined to find what was wrong, the things that needed to be sorted out and gotten rid of and the things to keep in my life. Not little things like keep this sweater, out with those jeans. BIG things. Where I was mean to be, what I was meant to do, if the choices I have made were the right ones. I was stressing about non-sense. Although, I see the non-sense now, it was not non-sense to me a couple of weeks ago. It was nothing that anyone had done, or said. It was all me, and everything inside of my head. I became frustrated, angry. Both emotions that I hate feeling. I kept asking myself, is this all a test or is this a sign that I need to make changes. I wasn’t getting any answers, all I was getting was emotion after emotion, being upset over and over again. “What is wrong with me?! What needs to change!?” I journeyed through this confusion, these emotions that I had a hard time sorting through, sadness became to overpower the frustration of mine. Instead of being distracted from the frustration of the confusion, I became overwhelmed by the emotion and trying to gain clarity from it all, and what it all meant.
Clarity. (Clarity: (noun) 1.clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.2. free from obscurity and easy to understand; the comprehensibility of clear expression) Something that sounds great to everyone. Everyone wants some clarity in their life, with clarity comes contentment, with contentment comes security. That sounds amazing! When I used to attend church, they always talked about giving your worries to the Lord and laying them at His feet, and then you will find the answers when you give Him the control. That is exactly what I did, and know what I found?! Clarity! I found that I don’t have to change anything, I have life that is coming up and dreams that will be achieved but there is room in my life for all of that PLUS the stuff I have now! During all of my stressing and confusion, I often tossed those most important to me to the side, I created distance, put up a guard. But yet, not once did they walk away and say, “the heck with you!”. Nope not once, they stayed. I told them that I was needing to journey within myself and I just needed support, and thats exactly what they did! I know I was a pain, and hard to deal with at times, but never once was there a point of being done! Know what that gave me?! Clarity. Clarity, of the the people that matter the most, that are meant to be in my life! How great is that?! The other day, I just knew. I knew the clarity of it all! What an amazing feeling! After letting things go for a few days…BAM!…Clarity!